Eric and I have been married for 13 years and in those 13 years I have stood next to my man in his black suit and me in a black dress and heels one too many times. In 13 years we have lost...
my grandmother; Gladys Stevens
his father; Andy Millspaugh
his grandmother; Frances Riebli
his grandfather; Don Millspaugh
his step-grandmother; Joni Millspaugh
our friend: Brad Bridenbecker
our friend: Rick Rameriz
our friend's daughter; Madison Gunn
his great-grandmother; Lydia Millspaugh
mygrandfather; Don DeVoss
his grandmother's "boyfriend"; Bill Zontine
my great-aunt; Grace Stevens
my great-uncle; Lloyd Stevens
And in the last month we lost...
my uncle; Ken DeVoss
his grandmother; Gena Ratliff
My husband looks very handsome in his suit and all but sometimes I think about setting it on fire so he doesn't have to wear it anymore.
My uncle is my father's twin and he died 3 days before their birthday which was a week before Christmas. It hurt when he died, hurt to see my father hurt, and it hurt to know the small connection I had with my uncle was gone forever. And it was a reminder of when Eric's father died and left a wife & kids and that while my uncle got to meet his first born grandson, he is less then a year old...so like my kids, his grandkids will grow up with only the stories people tell about grandpa instead really knowing him. But I had to put all my hurts away in a box to be dealt with later because there were things to do, events to host: my dad's birthday, Riebli Christmas, the regular Christmas hoopla, a trip to Big Bear to let the kids play in the snow, and New Year's with friends. My uncle's memorial was held Saturday the 9th, after the holidays, and watching my dad cry while giving his brother's eulogy was heartbreaking. And then I once again put all my feelings in a box and set them aside because there was another event to plan...my daughter's 5th birthday.
And so four days before Ali's birthday Eric's grandmother passed away. And it hurt, but for different reasons this time, this may sound weird but for her I am happy, happy she is free of a body plagued with strokes and a broken hip and free of a mind held hostage by dementia...she is with the Lord & free of all of that now. But it hurt because this was the first real loss for my kids, the first time we will have to actively walk them through the grieving process and what happens at and how to behave at a funeral. So this time I'll stand next to my husband in his suit AND my girls in black dresses like mommys. But again I put my feelings aside so I could host my daughter's birthday.
No one MADE me host all those events, as a matter of fact friends & family offered to take over most of them, no I did this to myself, I made the choice conscious or unconscious to use these events to push my feelings aside, to ignore them for as long as possible. I am now out of events to plan and...well the box I put all the emotions into is bursting at the seams and threatening to come undone at any minute. I am angry, sad, annoyed, frustrated, irritated, mad, and so on and so on...and now there are so many emotions I don't know where to begin on how to let them go, to release them. So instead I've been a real jerk to a lot of people who didn't deserve it, if your someone I've been a jerk to, I'm sorry, it wasn't you it was me...really.
So today I begin dealing with and letting go of all the emotions I tried to box up. The only way I know how to do that is to just accept that they exist and confront each emotion as it bubbles up. So today I'd like to burn my husband's black suit, that's today's emotion, I accept that that is how I feel today and I am confronting it by being honest and writing about it...and just so you don't worry I am burning candles and will be taking the suit to the cleaners instead.
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