HOW DID I GET HERE!!!!

So when I walked into church last Sunday I was a contented homemaker....its Friday night and I've turned in my resume and am waiting to hear if they'd like to interview me for a JOB...HOW DID I GET HERE?!?!

I've always wanted my husband to be the spiritual leader of our family but we were both raised in families where the mother was the religious leader and he was happy to continue the pattern. I've never made a huge deal out of it, it was more just a wish of my heart. During football season we took time off from church... I can't totally blame football or my husband for that....I was lazy and enjoyed sleeping in, watching cartoons with the kids and making a big breakfast on Sundays. But with the approach of the New Year I wanted to get us back on track. I attend a weekly bible study & our little one attends a christian preschool so mostly I wanted to get our oldest back into church, and if my hubby came along too that would be icing on the cake.

So with the first Sunday of the New Year all 4 of us headed off to church. During the service our pastor mentioned that the school attached to the church is opening a High School next school year...I, of course, taught HS English before my current position of happy homemaker. And right on cue my husband nudges me in the side and whispers..."that would be really cool". "We'll talk about it later" I whispered back. But the rest of the service both of us are considering the possibilities.

See the problem with teaching HS and having Elementary school aged children (at least in our neck of the woods) is that the Elementary is on a track system and the HS is traditional...so what do I do with my kiddos when they are off school for an entire month? I know, I know...I could use childcare, sure! but then I'm off for the summer and they are in school...exactly when are we supposed to be a family???

So the advantage of working at a private school that is connected to a Elementary & Middle school is that we are all on the same schedule and the same campus, which would allow me to be a teacher AND a mom!

We discussed all the possibilities and I started to get really frightened that I might actually go back to work, ugh! Contented homemaker here....working girl dreams are still a few years off...right????? So I say "We don't even know if they are looking for an English teacher so let me find that out first then we can figure out the rest" and guess freaking WHAT???? They are indeed looking for a English teacher, oh my gosh!!!!!!!! So I start having mild panic attacks and spend my nights considering all the options, pros, cons, up sides, down sides, and so on.

But my husband who I want to be our leader says "We haven't been to church in months and the one time we go back the pastor talks about a HS, I think God is telling us something". So if I am going to say that I want him to lead us then I have to be willing to follow when he does exactly that PLUS he's right. I have to see where this goes!

Wednesday night I sent in my resume...and by Thursday morning I had worked myself into a total panic, every muscle in my body was tense and I had so many mixed emotions about all of it that one min. I would think it was a great idea and the next be sobbing. :( The hardest moment was when my little one was asked how she'd feel about me going back to work...her response, with down turned lip and puppy dog eyes, "I don't want you to be a teacher, I want you to be my mommy". I cried, really really cried after that one...it still makes me tear up even now!

So after dropping the kids off at their schools Thursday morning I went to bible study as usual, even though I wanted to sit in my car and pray and think and cry and take long deep breathes...I went in. And while no one person said anything specific during the course of the morning several people said many things and by the end of the meeting I felt calm and peaceful. Sometime during the morning I handed it over to God. If this is the perfect opportunity for me and my kids then it will all fall into place and if its not then it won't and either way will be fine. I am happy as I am but I can see what could be out there as well.

The peacefulness remained while I looked for an interview outfit (even though there is no interview scheduled yet, but I had the day to myself so it was the best time for me to shop), got a pedicure, picked up the kids, made dinner and did a little housework. I thought by bed time I would start worrying again and the anxiety would come back...but it didn't...and this morning I am still feeling calm and at peace with whatever comes next.

I've learned a few lessons this week...or maybe they are reminders..
1. I am so damn lucky!
A. Lucky to have a husband that says "You don't have to work, only do this if its what YOU want, the family will make it work"
B. Lucky to not HAVE to work...its really a choice, we can pay the bills w/o it
C. Lucky to have had this time with my kids, having pajama days, play days, school days, awful days, fun days, and all the other days

2. This calm peaceful feeling is pretty darn cool! :)

IF they call about an interview I will probably panic all over again but for now the peacefulness remains and I am trying to enjoy it.

If that's all that comes from this process I will be grateful for it...we all take for granted our little worlds and I certainly have of mine...for the moment every day I get to sit and goof around on facebook or stay in my pjs until 11am or watch cartoons feels special again!